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Rose: You know, Sophia, your problem at work reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: Please. Dust reminds you of something that happened back in St. Olaf!

Dorothy: Ma, "disdam" is not a word.
Sophia: It certainly is!
Dorothy: Okay, prove it, use it in a sentence.
Sophia: You're no good at disdam game.

Sophia: Oh boy, we're going to a sperm bank. I wonder if they have a drive-up window!

Blanche: Dorothy, what do you think I oughta do with my bed?
Dorothy: Put it in the Smithsonian, Blanche. Its got more miles on it than the Spirit of St. Louis!

Dorothy: I'd kill Gloria if she wrote a book about my sexual life.
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Dorothy: Shut up Ma!

Blanche: Now Rose... put yourself in my position.
Rose: Apparently I'm not limber enough!

Dorothy: Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.
Blanche: Tell that to my thighs!

Rose: Do we have to kill the minks?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate!

Sophia: I need some advice, Rose.
Rose: And you are asking me?
Sophia: Frightening isn't it?

Sophia: I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts, Rose!

Dorothy: How long do you think you can stay handcuffed?
Blanche: My personal best is 32 hours... of course, then I had someone to play with.

Blanche: Dorothy you're a substitute, your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy: Then what is it?
Blanche: To keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back!

Blanche: I do love the rain so... it reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy: Aww... your first kiss was in the rain?
Blanche: No... it was in the shower!

Rose: My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."

Sophia: Hello, I'm the new Activities Director here.
Woman: What's your name, honey?
Sophia: Sophia.
Woman: Sophia, move it, you're blocking the television!!

Rose: We should put out the welcome mat.
Blanche: But honey, we don't have a welcome mat!
Rose: What about the one Dorothy says is always at the foot of your bed?

Rose: When I was in school the kids made up a really mean nick name for me just because I had hairy legs.
Blanche: What did they call you?
Rose: Rose with the hairy legs.
Dorothy: Kids can be so cruel.

Blanche: Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?
Sophia: You make me sick!

Dorothy: Rose, I know that this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixites?

Dorothy: Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...
Sophia: Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night!

Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night!

Dorothy: I tell you what. Ma, how would you like to go golfing with me and Raymond today?
Sophia: I'd love to! But, I don't own any ugly plaid polyester. (Looks over at Rose)
Sophia: Rose, do you have anything in a size 6?

Sophia: My hiney's asleep!
Dorothy: Fine... we'll keep our voices down.

Dorothy: There's a man on our lawn!
Blanche: Get the net!

Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short, and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.

Rose: Blanche, let's face it, you're beautiful and sexy all the time! You've got an outstanding figure, Betty Davis eyes, and... Freddy Krueger hands!

(Stan tries to sleep in Dorothy's bed)
Dorothy: You're not getting into this bed!
Stan: Then where am I supposed to sleep?
Dorothy: On the floor, like any dog!

Dorothy: Oh Ma, why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy: Why am I having this conversation with you?!
Sophia: Beats the hell out of me!

Blanche: Rose be sure to dress youthfully.
Rose: What for?
Sophia: You're old!!

Blanche: I've been rejected once.
Dorothy: From who?
Blanche: Weight Watchers... for being too thin.

Rose: Did you know they have an egg named after you Blanche?
Blanche: Oh really? How is it prepared?
Sophia: Over easy.

Sophia: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door!
Dorothy: Ma, you have relatives that throw priests out of windows!!

Blanche: I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.
Dorothy: You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.

Dorothy: So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche!

Blanche: Oh girls... I'm just in ecstasy! My body is tingling all over! You will never guess what just happened!
Sophia: We know what happened! Let us just guess what part of the Middle East he's from!

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